Don't Touch It!

Don't Masturbate During Ramadan

Deliberate masturbation during the month of Ramadan renders a fast invalid, Iranian Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Khameini has ruled.

"Deliberate" masturbation; as opposed to accidentally "Ingratiating the Imam"?

"If he do (sic) not intend masturbation and discharging semen and nothing is discharged, his fasting is correct even though he has done a harām (forbidden) act. But, if he intends masturbation or he knows that he usually discharges semen by this process and semen really comes out, it is a ḥaram intentional breaking fasting," the Iranian leader said, posting the reply on his website.

Ummm...oh-kay? So, if you're whackin' it, but you don't know you're whackin' it and you don't finish, all is well. Or, if you're doing it and you know you're doing it, and you do "finish" but you didn't know about the happy ending: still okay in the eyes of your imaginary (and, apparently, bat-shit insane) friend. But, if you masturbate on purpose (as if you could do it on accident), and you know that you usually (usually?) ejaculate, and you actually do ejaculate, then you've ruined your fast. Which is a practice of refraining from eating, right? Well, and apparently, masturbating. Which might explain why they call it a "fast"...because you want it to go quickly so you can get back to all the masturbating you normally do, be it on purpose or accidentally, whether you finish or not, and whether or not you know what you're doing and the natural conclusive results of what you do or don't know you're doing on purpose or accidentally.

Another reader asked: "Once in the holy month of Ramadan, I forgot to brush my teeth, and some tiny bits of food remained in my mouth. I swallowed the bits unintentionally. Do I have to perform the qaḍa (repent) for that day's fast?"

To which the Khameini should've responded by holding his head in his hands and moaning, "Oh, crap, you morons, that's not the point!" But, instead he actually answered the insanely tedious question with an even more tedious answer: "If you did not know that some bits of food remained between the teeth, or you did not know that they would reach the throat (still a bit in the dark ages, are we?), and they were swallowed unknowingly and unintentionally, then you are not liable to make (repent) of the fast", thereby proving how ridiculous the whole practice is.

The Iranian leader also told readers they were allowed to "to drink water while standing" at nights.

But only while hopping on one foot and patting yourself on the head, he should've gone on to clarify. Because, really, why stop at "you can only drink water at night if you're standing"? Come on. You've got these people hanging on your every word and obeying your every whim. At least get them to do something entertaining. Maybe tell them they have to drink from the back of the glass!

So, to all those who say that religion (in this case, Islam) isn't perfectly logical and rational...um, yeah, you've pretty much hit the nail on the head.