War on Christians Conference Opens Today; Conference to Include a Values Voter Presidential Preference Poll

No, I'm pretty sure it's not a joke. All Fools' Day isn't until Saturday. (Hey...doesn't All Fools' Day really fall on a Sunday? And not just once a year, but every Sunday? In any case...) Apparently, the conference will include a "Values Voter" presidential preference poll. So, umm...anyone not feeling a false sense of persecution apparently has no values. Neat!

So, this "war", these "assaults" on Christians...there's not been much (any) bloodshed. I hope the Pretzeldent attends...and learns something about waging war on an abstract concept (terror, for instance) without shedding blood.

Panel discussions will include: "Christian Persecution:

...A Primer in the Delusional Martyr Complex"

"Jews Confront The War On Christians:

...Damned Right We Killed Him!"

"Hollywood:

...No One's Allowed to Talk About Us Except Mel 'Bloodlust' Gibson"

"The Judiciary: Overruling God"

I totally didn't even make that one up! No, seriously! They honestly think that they're god is so weak and defenseless that he can simply be overruled by mortals! I don't know why they follow this guy; or pray to him for help. He can't even help himself!

And the final panel discussion listed is:

"Taking Our Faith To The Ballot Box."

Judging (oops, I mean Judicial Activising) from past elections, I suggest they try taking a sentient person whose life and views are based more in reality to hold their hand and tell them how to vote. Being the giving, caring guy that I am, I'll volunteer to be that person.

Keynote Speakers include such Values Vote leaders as Phyllis Schlafly, Vision America President Rick Scarborough, Gary Bauer, Alan Keyes, Janet Folger, Congressman Tom DeLay, Janet Parshall, Sen. John Cornyn and Sen. Sam Brownback.

Oh, Jesus.

Scarborough continued: "The Republican Party often takes the Values Vote for granted. They court us as elections approach and forget us as soon as they're over. And we fall into line. Well, I'm here to tell you that those days are rapidly drawing to a close."

Really??! So the Moron -- err, "Values" -- Vote is going to stop voting Republican? Oh please oh please oh please oh please!

When Even Bubble-heads "Get it"

Jessica Simpson Snubs Bush

Oh, SNAP! No bootie call for you, Georgie-boy!

Man...how bad must the Pretzeldent's compassion-rating be that even someone as dirt-fuck-dumb as Jessica Simpson knows better than to rub elbows with him.

I bet Britney "support the prez, no matter what" Spears would still dirty her knees for George.

Kindergarten Pretzeldent

Bush's Gonzo Government

Mr. Naha does a fantastic job of commenting on Bush's a-cerebral musings, so the above is a great read. In it, I found this quote from der Pretzeldent:

“My job is a job where I make a lot of decisions. And I decide big things and little things. And there are certain principles to decision making. You make decisions — you know, you have to make a lot of decisions. And you don’t put your finger in the air to figure out how to make a decision. (NOTE: Apparently, you sit on said finger.) And neither should the President of the United States. And you have to know what you believe."

Now...does that strike you as the oration of a man qualified -- even in the slightest -- to serve as president of any country? Because, to me, it sounds more like a summary on a made-up job given by the president of 2006's Kindergarten class. Either that or a 14-year old stoner absolutely winging a book report, the material for which he never even saw. I mean, really...wouldn't it be just grand if Bush had a second brain cell to rub against the first and possibly come up with some spark of cognitive thinking?

"My job is a job where I make a lot of decisions...And you have to know what you believe." What...the...fuck?? Were Terri Shaivo alive, I'm afraid that Bush's speechificating would insult even her intelligence! Upon hearing such diahhrea of the mind, I think she'd roll over and blink twice for, "show some mercy and kill me now, you heartless bastards!"