Pat Robertson's (Broken) Crystal Ball

This guy will pull any old thing out of his ass just to make it look like he's actually got a line on the wishes of an impossibly non-existent being who, if did exist, probably couldn't be bothered to even notice the likes of Robertson, other than to point and laugh.

On the January 3 edition of Christian Broadcasting Network's The 700 Club, Reverend Pat Robertson, host and Christian Coalition of America founder, made predictions for the New Year based on what he said God told him during a recent prayer retreat.

On the 700 Club broadcast, Robertson touted his 2004 New Year's prediction that President George W. Bush would win re-election by "a blowout" as an example of a past prediction that turned out to be correct. On January 2, 2004, Robertson stated: "I think George Bush is going to win in a walk. I really believe I'm hearing from the Lord it's going to be like a blowout election in 2004. It's shaping up that way." As Media Matters for America has noted, Bush's margin of victory was the smallest for a reelected incumbent president since Woodrow Wilson in 1916.

Other Robertson predictions have fared less well. According to a February 15, 1988, Washington Post article, Robertson said, "I heard the Lord saying 'I have something else for you to do. I want you to run for president of the United States.'" The same article noted that during one campaign stop during the 1988 presidential race, Robertson stated: "This is where God wanted me to be. ... Here I am in New Hampshire, before a major primary." He then said, "I assure you that I am going to be the next president of the United States," according to a February 15 Washington Post article. After trailing George H.W. Bush and Senator Bob Dole in the Republican primaries, Robertson's 1988 presidential campaign ended before the Republican convention. A February 2004 article in Church & State magazine (published by Americans United for Separation of Church and State) noted several Robertson predictions that turned out to be false, including that Russia would invade Israel in 1982, and that there would be a worldwide economic collapse in 1985. The article went on to mention that "In his 1991 book, The New World Order, Robertson predicted that U.S. Sen. Jay Rockefeller would be elected president in 1996."

Robertson's predictions for 2005:

• The economy: "Again, 2005 is going to be a year of extraordinary prosperity for this nation and for CBN [Christian Broadcasting Network]. And I think the American stock market is going to surge upward, if I heard from the Lord. Again, ladies and gentlemen, don't go and buy stock on my recommendation, but that's what I feel in my heart. The Lord was saying it's going to be a super good year."

"So, it's definitely going to be a fantastic year for the stock market...unless, of course, it's not. Which means you all should absolutely not go out and buy stock based on my prediction because I can't guarantee that my god is telling me the truth or that he even exists. Except that you really should buy stock, otherwise why would I be telling you this, because I have the utmost faith that god is right. But don't count on it", Robertson basically said, absolutely unequivocally.

George W. Bush: "Well, the Lord has some very encouraging news for George Bush ...

Which means that "the Lord" has some very disheartening, dangerous, and -- for a lot of people -- deadly news for the rest of the planet.

...What I heard (what you heard? Must be some kind of god-grapevine.) is that Bush is now positioned to have victory after victory (that wasn't god saying that, it was the CEOs of Diebold and ES&S) and that his second term is going to be one of triumph, which is pretty strong stuff. ... He'll have Social Security reform passed. He'll have tax reform passed. He'll have conservative judges on the courts. And that basically he is positioned for a series of dramatic victories which I hope will hearten him and his advisers. They don't have to be timid in this matter because the wind is blowing at his back, and he can move forward boldly and get results."

• Muslims and others turning to Jesus Christ: "In America, again if I'm hearing God right, (ah yes, the thundering voice of god...often difficult to hear. Does god mumble now? S-s-st-stutter?) we will see a tremendous incident of miracles in the year 2005. ... God's spirit is going to be moving in dramatic power around the world. And his spirit is going to be touching the hearts of many in the Muslim world (I don't believe Muslims will interpret bombs lobbed at them and bullets and missiles fired at them by god's Christian army as a touch on the heart by the spirit of god) and they will be turning to the gospel, to Jesus Christ. I think many of them already are, but this is going to be an acceleration that will really amaze the world. ... 'Revival will break out throughout the Muslim world, my [God's] truth will penetrate their hearts. The hold of that falsehood that has gripped them will be broken.'"

• Terrorism and global security: "2005 will be another good year for the world. (With the Bush maladministraion still in power? Not likely.) The terrorist threat will diminish. Nations will walk in peace, but it will be an illusion. The peril to Israel is greater now than it has ever been for she will be seduced into a false peace that will leave her vulnerable."

So, rest assured that the world is safe. Only it's not. Good, solid prediction there, you stupid ass-clown.

• The Supreme Court: "The vendetta against religion in America is about to end. ... 'I [God] will remove judges from the Supreme Court quickly and their successors will refuse to sanction the attacks on religious faith.'"

Vendetta against god? Attacks on religious faith?? What sadistic fantasy country does our boy Pat live in where the majority religion -- and I mean huge majority, none of this 51% = sweeping victory crap -- is the victim?