Buzzwords, Bullshit and Business as Usual

Just a little snapshot of some of the ridiculousness we put up with here at my place of work...

From an e-mail sent out by the site Director of Engineering:

For the December 6th Gemba walk (Gemba -- a ridiculous sounding buzz-word [or is it just me who thinks it sounds ridiculous] that management likes to use, to which the definition has been assigned: "go to the place where work is done"), I went to visit our hardworking team members in the (descriptive names and locations removed to protect the guilty...namely me, for biting the hand that feeds me...or does everyone do that?) group.

Already, I'm pissed off by the blatant patronizing. "Hardworking team members", indeed. How the hell would he know? The only time he can be bothered to see these people face-to-face is when he's out on one of his boondoggle "Gemba walks". Maybe that's unfair of me. I'm sure he has plenty of things he does which prevents him from interacting much with the workers.

Before we started the walk, I was asked a question: "What is the point of your Gemba walks and what do you want to see?" My answer is quite simple. I am interested in what your groups are doing to engage each other and utilize lean principles and tools to drive improvement.

That's a simple answer?? I don't know about anyone else, but here's what I hear: "I am interested in what your groups are doing to buzz each other and buzz buzz buzz and buzz to buzz buzz."

I want you to show me what actions you are taking to make your job easier and make the product flow faster...and with highest quality. I want to support you in your endeavors. Only you know what works, what does not work and how to improve your area.

Translation: "I want to see that your jobs are so easy to do that we can send them to workers in Russia/Asia/India who have minimal training and who will accept salaries a fifth the size of yours." The rest is all just fluff, spouted in order to pander to his boss(es) and the nameless, faceless employees so many levels below him.

Note: I'm all for spreading the wealth of the world to all people, especially those in developing countries. However, plans such as those put in place to offload/offshore/export jobs to developing countries never send the salaries along as well. The savings had in training someone in India, for example, to do a job traditionally done here always goes to the very wealthy at the top and never to the workers doing the work. The über-wealthy CEOs fully take advantage of the depressed standard of living of people in developing countries and, rather than bringing that standard up by paying similar salaries to what a person in the US might make, pay a fraction of what they should. Work traditionally done in the US would stay right here if CEOs were forced to pay equitable salaries to workers in developing countries rather than pocket the difference between what we make here and what corpwhoreations can get away with paying workers in other countries.

As the current state map (buzz buzz) stated, the whole process was a push system (buzz buzz) where the queue time (buzz buzz) for resolution could be measured in months if not years. Though the...issue was addressed the root cause analysis (buzz buzz buzz) and resolution took up to 694! (694...nanoseconds? Millennia? What!?!!) It is great to know we have tremendous opportunities in responsiveness to our customers.

You realize, of course, (hey Kurt, Erica...what's up!) that the last little bit there is more commonly known as "spin". Does he think our customers are happy that our response time is horrendous? I'm nearly positive that the customers would be infinitely happier with our having tremendous responsiveness, rather than tremendous opportunities to improve our responsiveness. But, if the relationship between supplier and customer is anything like that between BushCo and your average US citizen, I'm sure the customers are absolutely giddy over the fact that the supplier sucks...but has tremendous opportunities for improvement; which the supplier may or may not ever actually accomplish.

The future state map (buzz buzz) was created in the workshop and the implementation plans look great. The Value stream maps (buzz buzz buzz) has help (sic) them organize and prioritize the meaningful kaizen bursts (buzz buzz) to work. One of the many success (sic) that came out of the Lean Academy is the need for a better resolution system. So the RFA (Request for Action) was born.

Life here just wouldn't be worth living without a good acronym. And where the hell did this guy learn grammar? He sure as hell can wander around watching other people work -- while patting himself on the back for it, I'm sure -- but string together a coherent sentence? I guess not. Is this why I don't make six figures?? Because I understand correct sentence structure? (Ignoring the fact that, from time to time, I abuse it in favor of creative license). Wait, I'm seeing a parallel emerge...this high-level director has poor grammar. The Imbecile-in-Chief can't even speak the language without tripping himself up. It must be that the higher one goes in the power structure, the less competent one must be. It's kind of flattering, in a frightening sort of way, considering how I'm on one of the lower rungs of the ladder (and content to stay there).

An employee comment included in the e-mail from the Director:

"The Lean Academy is an excellent workshop. I didn't really see the flow of the work and how the system worked together or in many cases, didn't work together. Seeing is believing. Lean is more a culture change than just making process changes. It is the way to go...frankly, I'm constantly challenged by how I can find waste and eliminate waste in the big picture."

Nice work, Kiss-ass. You've successfully strung together some lovely buzz phrases. What, too under-zealous? You realize, of course, (Kurt, what's up!) that I'm what's known in the "lean world" as a...oh, crap. I'd remember what the term for me was if it was important enough to have paid attention to in the class. Go ahead and pick a word. Something opposite of "enabler/champion/change agent". The key is, (hey Kurt!) it doesn't really matter what the word is, just so long as it sounds good. Something like a "hinderer". Blocker. Humbug. In the real world, the term would be something along the line of a "bullshit sniffer". Someone who can smell the bullshit from a mile away. In the Lean world, I'm known as "resistant". Not because I think getting better at what you do is a bad idea, but just because I see it as common sense stuff (I use the term loosely since common sense hardly seems common these days) and that assigning buzzwords and zealously ramming them down everyone's throats is a nuisance.